Coming Back // 7.1.15

"Let your heart break

but worry not about fitting it

back together

again.

Separate the pieces

and fill the space between

with grace given

by understanding.

Do this, each times it snaps, 

and watch it

grow.

There are no limits,

no boundaries of

growth

for a patchwork

heart."

-Tyler Knott Gregson

I have aways guarded my heart behind careful decisions. Independence a way of building my own utopia within an imperfect world. My risks calculated. I crave peace and equilibrium. Anything to keep my heart in one piece. What I never anticipated is that life is a series of heartbreaks. Each time I let my guard down is a chance to feel pain. But it's also a chance to experience life more deeply. Like plunging into dark waters. A constant lesson in the ambiguity of the future.

Coming back to California broke my heart. Watching as it slowly slips through my fingers. It's a home, but not my only home. Retreating into thoughts of the past feels like looking at a different person and the future feels like the only person I've ever been. It's surreal to reflect back and see the divisions of time. Befores and afters. Before graduation, after graduation. Before I left LA, after I left LA. Before India, after India.

Strange to come back with a broken heart and attempt to squeeze back into an old routine. A heart broken because the familiar is no longer enough. A heart remembering distant memories. A heart thankful for each new experience, whether it is full of joy or sadness. A heart broken into pieces because I have left pieces of my heart around this world. Some pieces held by people, some by whole countries or cities. Home is no longer neat and tidy, kept in a single place. Home is found in new friendships and laughter. Home is found in quiet introspection. Home is found in joined hands and entwined fingers. Home is found in shared meals. Home is found wherever I lay my head to sleep.

Traveling didn't suddenly open my eyes to life's meaning. I didn't find myself. But it took all my neatly boxed plans and destructed them. It gave me a blank slate. It showed me that plans are just plans. There is only this present moment. Sometimes we do what we feel expected to do to be successful. But success is only what we define. And I want success to be loving with my whole heart. I want it to be pursuing life intentionally. Maybe that takes me to another country. Maybe that takes me to a husband and kids. Maybe that takes me to starting my own business. Maybe none of the above. I don't want to do something because it is the "smartest" thing to do. I want to do it because it brightens my eyes and my soul. I'd rather my heart break a million times than miss a moment. Each time my heart breaks is a new opportunity to be a survivor.

<3 Taylor