To Love And Loss // 1.5.15

I've debated whether to post this for the last couple months. This writing represents a piece of my heart and a lesson in vulnerability. It is meant for closure, but I hope it connects with at least one heart. In talking to a lot of different people about love and loss lately, I think these are feelings many of us struggle with daily.

2014 was my year of 3 break ups. I broke up with LA, and with my job. My boyfriend broke up with me. I like to put on my pokerface. Focus on the positive, but this past year was full of tears. Learning to live with fading memories. Learning the intricacies of my every insecurity. Learning to be gentle with myself. Learning that wounds really do heal with time, but will always leave scars.

I spent so much time telling someone else to chase their dreams and to never underestimate their value that I forgot to say those same words to myself. He became the most meaningful part of my life, and I found fulfillment where I didn't in other places. I was good at caring. I was good at supporting and encouraging. I was good at being "the rock". I fell in love with not only the flawed man, but also the potential I saw in him. I stood at his side through his darkest time. I learned to love someone at their worst. Experienced the true meaning of patience. We were best friends.

But what do you do when your best friend breaks your heart? When your worst fear comes true? Complete panic. I became everything I never thought I would be: Insecure. Scared. Lonely. Jealous. I'm strong and confident. Independent... but suddenly I felt incomplete without a man. Noticing everyone who had what I thought I needed. Feeling inadequate for what happened. Oh and I discovered I have pride. Lots of it. And Anger. Anger at God for allowing us to get back together only to rip it away. Anger at the man I gave my heart to for almost 3 years, but who never gave me his. Anger at him for things I never voiced, because I didn't realize I was angry until I stopped trying to understand his actions and just let myself feel my own emotions. Anger at myself for failing, for not being better. Wounded pride is ugly, especially when it comes out of nowhere and knocks you upside the heart.

Girl With a Balloon by Banksy

It's amazing the walls you construct when you're scared and prideful. Although I wouldn't have admitted it then, I was scared of falling in love, because I didn't feel safe. I was scared of quitting my job and never finding a new one better than my last (or a new one at all). Scared of leaving the little home I'd built in LA and not having a place to call my own. I like to think I can easily handle anything that comes my way. I don't like to give up. I don't like to let people in when I'm not feeling perfect and in control. But it's just those moments I let someone in that I heal the most. Listening to the experiences of others. Reminders healing takes more time than you'd like to allow it. True, honest healing requires sitting in the suffering. Requires facing the loss head on. And then realizing the joy on the other side.

A blogger I follow said it perfectly: i'm a very sentimental person. because of this I hold on to memories, people, the good, and the bad. i've had a habit of keeping pain longer than I should...dwelling on it, analyzing it. in this new year I want to focus on letting that junk go. forgiving, forgetting, and moving on."

When I think of the cumulation of my relationship and time in LA, I remember the day we said goodbye. Not when we broke up. Not when we stopped talking. But the night he left for his new beginning and I was on the brink of embarking on mine. I tend to shut down in those situations until I'm alone, defense mechanism I guess. But I'd never felt so much emotion and I could sense he felt the same in his hug and kiss. In the tears and heavy air. At the time it was confusing. Why was he leaving me? But that moment was perfect. LA would not have been the same without each other. Our dreams might not have survived. And almost certainly that moment of parting ways came from our support of one another. Breaking up with me was probably the most selfless thing he ever did for me. I deserve to be loved the way I loved him.

And now my greatest fear is that I will not do something worthy. After all this loss, I will slip into the same cycle in a different city, and it will have been for nothing. I want to live a meaningful life. I want to make an impact. I want to stop looking for what I did wrong. These break ups are no longer about the people and places I left behind, but how I choose to react to the loss. It's admitting all the weaknesses it exposed. It's putting together the pieces of who I was before and who I am now. Rediscovering the meaning of being my own best friend. Each day is an opportunity to grow. To humble myself. To face my insecurities and conquer my anxieties. To accept there are people who do love and appreciate me, who will fight for me. To feel God's grace wash over me and have faith in his perfect timing. Letting the memories of 2014 slip through my fingers. Sometimes feeling numb, sometimes feeling to the very core of my heart. Welcoming a smile to the surface. 2015, I'm here for you.

<3 Taylor